Parent Education Content presented in partnership with The FA Learning AA

Power of the Parent

Fighting the Righting Reflex

One of the most influential sources of a child’s psychological and sociological development is his or her parents.  Comparing the hours a child spends with their coach and their parents is of no use.  It is primarily in the home that a child’s beliefs, values, attitudes and goals are shaped.  Research has shown that the interest and support of parents is vital to a young player’s continued sport participation.  It has, however, also shown that much of the pressure and anxiety that young players feel in sport can come from their parents.

So why do parents become so animated and involved in their child’s sport?  Parents often have a strong desire to make things right; this “righting reflex” tends to make parents overzealous in their attitude towards their child.  This well-intentioned desire can lead to confrontation instead of collaboration; telling the child what to do and what not to do rather than believing that the child has the answer and encouraging them.  Some parents may wish to live or relive their sporting experience through their child and assume that their child has to do as they did. 

What’s the Purpose of it All?

One of the most important points to remember in becoming a good soccer parent is to give careful consideration to the purpose of your child playing soccer.  This reflection fundamentally concerns the “why” of soccer.  Questions, which are useful to ask your child, and perhaps more importantly to ask yourself first, are:

• Why is your child playing soccer?
• Why do you want them to play soccer?
• Why invest all the time, money, sacrifice and hard work?
• What’s the purpose of it all?
• How is success of your child’s involvement in soccer defined and measured by you and your child?

Good Soccer Parenting—It’s Not Easy!

It’s not easy to be a good parent and it’s even harder to be a good parent of a competitive soccer player.  To know what is best to do and say, and when to say and do it, can be difficult.  There are many questions to ask and often quite a few people who are only too prepared to offer answers!  Many problems arise because parents are unsure of the best way to help their child and so use their natural instincts, which can often lead to ineffective and sometimes destructive solutions.  For example, to try and increase the confidence of their child prior to warming up for a match, a parent might say, “Go on Helen, just do your best.  You know you’re better than their central midfielder, so just go and show it!”  On the face of it, this sounds encouraging, but if you’re Helen, you may feel some pressure—you are now aware that a comparison will be made by your parents between you and the opposition’s central midfielder. 

Feedback on Effort

Beliefs about the causes of success are fundamental to the understanding of achievement-motivated behavior in sport.  Ego orientation is closely related with beliefs that “ability” is to be honored and valued, whereas it is effort that is prized within task orientation.  If parents are able to help players believe that success in sport is due to persistence and effort, which is controllable, rather than ability, which is often perceived as uncontrollable, then players will see that there is always hope.  Hope brings confidence and an ability to bounce back after set-backs, both on the field and off.  One of the best opportunities a parent has of instilling the concept that effort is to be truly honored and valued is by providing some critical feedback to the player and/or team after success has been achieved, but through low effort.  Taking this “golden opportunity” will help the player(s) to recognize that the process is more valued than the outcome.

“Me Then, Me Now” Comparisons

One of the most significant actions you can take as a coach or parent is to change soccer into a personal-best (PB) sport, so giving your player more of a personal-best mentality.  Sports in which performance can be easily and accurately measured and recorded such as athletics, gymnastics, swimming and golf allow participants to experience considerable success and feelings of confidence even though they may not win.  Putting systems into place that enable your player to strive to improve their PB performance will encourage them to have a greater sense of control over what happens and will provide far greater opportunities for building self-confidence.

Making the Journey

In order to help your child’s journey through soccer to be a satisfying and long-lasting one, encourage them to travel by CAR (Competence, Autonomy and Relatedness):

• Competence
• At every opportunity, find ways to make your child feel as though they are competent, not only at soccer, but in other activities too.  This will improve their overall confidence as well as specific confidence in aspects of their soccer.
• Autonomy
• People have a basic human need to be in control of their lives and what happens to them.  People are motivated to be what is called “self-determined,” such as, “I do it because I want to!”  It is, therefore, important that parents encourage their children to be responsible and independent.  Nurture freedom of choice within your child by asking for their opinion and listening.
• Relatedness
• People need to relate to, care for and be related to and cared for by others.  Developing relationships with others is an important motive for people.

Even though teams are often referred to as a “family,” it is the real family that the child goes home to that can really decide how well he or she plays.  If a child does not receive enough support or confidence from the parents, the technical teaching from the coach will be useless.  It’s the family at home that nurtures success for the family on the field.

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