Sports Parenting content provided by Dan Saferstein from his book "Win or Lose: A Guide to Sports Parenting", published by The Trusted Guide Press. Visit DanSaferstein.com for more information.

NURTURE MENTAL KINDNESS

It is a myth that punishing yourself will make you a better athlete. Mental toughness has nothing to do with being tough on yourself. It has to do with being completely immersed in the competitive moment, which is hard for a young athlete to do if she’s afraid of losing, or has coaches or parents who are afraid of losing.

The most successful athletes can calmly look defeat in the eye, the way a Buddhist monk can look Death in the eye. I don’t agree with Vince Lombardi’s quote, “Defeat is worse than death, because you have to live with defeat.”

Young athletes will have an easier time forgiving themselves if they come to accept that victory and defeat are just different sides of the same coin. Both sides are equally valuable. I tell my own children, “Don’t play competitive sports if you’re not willing to have your heart broken.” The good news is that mental kindness can help heal an athlete’s heart relatively quickly. As a parent, you might be able to facilitate this healing process with an accepting smile or pat on the back. You often don’t have to say much to your kids after a game. They can usually tell what you’re feeling just by looking at you.

GO EASY ON THE ADVICE

The last thing your child is likely to want when she is feeling down after a tough loss is to hear you talk for the whole car ride home about what she did wrong or could have done right. Think for a second about what you want when you’re feeling down. Do you want someone to explain to you how you shouldn’t be disappointed? Do you want someone to list everything you did to bring disappointment upon yourself? Or do you want them to just be with you and accept how you’re feeling?

Too often sports advice feels better for the parent who is giving it than for the young athlete who has to hear it. Although parental advice is most often given out of love, the child can experience it as undermining, as giving the message, “You don’t know how to figure things out, so I’ll figure them out for you.” Instead of trying to fix their lives with all of our well-intended advice, we need to be patient enough to let them fix their own lives, as well as patient enough to realize that some things can’t – and don’t need to – be fixed.

You might also discover that the less of a need you have to constantly be giving advice, the more likely your children might be to ask for it. Timing and receptivity are everything when it comes to learning. As a parent, you have to trust that your child has sought you out as a teacher in the past, and will continue to do so again and again as needed. An important thing to keep in mind is that they might be much more inclined to learn by watching you than by just listening to what you have to say.

Dan Saferstein, Ph.D. is a Licensed Psychologist, consulting with individuals, families, coaches and teams in his Ann Arbor-based practice. He is a contributing writer to Soccer Coaching International. You can contact him at dansaferstein@earthlink.net.